you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
