There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
