i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
