Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
