dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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