I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
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