My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I AM VODKA MAN
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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