I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
