I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
