have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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