He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
