Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Randomize
