I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I'm getting married
To pizza
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
