wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Randomize
