Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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