do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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