Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
You need Xanax blowdarts
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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