She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
