my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
