Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
