Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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