I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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