There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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