R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Randomize
