I have demons in me.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
of course. lets lasso hookers.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
