I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Randomize
