??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
