i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
