I just threw up on my dentist
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I didn't notice because vodka
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I touched a dick in church today
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