Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize