Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Randomize
