I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
