I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
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Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
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Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
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