party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
