So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
