I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Randomize
