My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
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