That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I'm getting married
To pizza
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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