I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Randomize
