I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
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