Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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