I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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