forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
You can't motorboat a personality
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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