I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Someone signed my nipple.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
the raccoons are back...
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