she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
