I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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