i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
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