He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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