So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize