You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
