It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
