You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
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