Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
Randomize
