K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
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