my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
