youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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