No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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