i think my mom watched the whole time
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
Randomize
