im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
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